Sunday, April 23, 2006

Leather gloves Elevensons

Yesterday was so dark and foggy that you couldn't see your hand in front of your Face. I invited Eleven Sons to go shopping. He arrived at the door, though I couldn't see him. I could tell he was there because of his hiss.
'Tsssst, Tsssssst!' he said
'Hiiiiiiiigh!' I tinkled.
He didn't say anything, but grabbed me by the arm (after swiping at the air a couple of times, or so I deduced by the breeze) and dragged me out the door, flinging me into the passenger seat of his horse-drawn cart.
I could tell he was in a volcanic mood, so I hunched up in the seat and didn't say anything.
Eleven Sons only hummed moodily:
'mm mm mm get down on the floor, mm mm shake that booty like you know what its good for'
'Shake, shake, shake that aaaaaassss.'

Once we got to town, the air had cleared a little, and we could see a wee way in front of us. Eleven Sons slung me like a rag-doll over his shoulder and marched into all the shops he knew had pretty girls in them. In shop with the most lovely maidens he called his photographer.
'I need your services, on the double' he barked
He then ordered each girl to put on a dress of his choosing and posed for wedding photographs with each of them.
In the bank Eleven Sons found out he had recieved his inheritance.
'I'll take you out to lunch, Face!' he said, suddenly in a jolly mood.
In the restaurant, he looked at the menu. Became pensive.
'Everything is much too expensive here! Why dont we go to McDonalds?' he said finally.
'Look,' I said, 'I'll buy my own bloody lunch, you can just buy me a coffee, okay?'
'Okay, good.' he said, much satisfied.

The waitress came along shortly and fatly. Eleven Sons eyed her up.
She noticed and gave him a wink.
He jiggled excitedly in his chair, and blurted,
'Um, would you like to go on a date with me?'
She laughed and replied,
'Sure, 'leven, but you just finish your current date before you go taking me anywhere, okay?'
'Okay,' he said, 'But just remember, I dont put out on the first date, just for you information and everything.'
I then informed the waitress that as this was our third date, I was allowed to take E. S. home today and shag him rotten.
'I'll let you know how good he is.' I told her. 'Might not be worth your trouble, after all.'
She agreed that this was a good idea, and I finished my lunch. We departed, Eleven Sons throwing coquettish glances over his shoulder.

Eleven Son's mood was now bouyant. 'Come on, Face, I'll buy you some clothes!' he cried.
I thought this was the least he could do since I was making all the other girls want to go out with him. We went to all the clothes shops again, and Eleven Sons tried on a suit. I tried on a hat, not very expensive, but he only glanced at me. I tried on a pair of gloves, leather. They were the best bargain in the store.
'Wow, these are the best!' I exclaimed, showing them to 'leven. He grunted
'Will you buy these for me?' I asked
'Mmm, no.' he said
'Well, what will you buy me?' I asked
Umm, nothing now, I've changed my mind.' he said
So I bought the leather gloves myself and strangled him to death.

Today I found out he had named me as his surrogate mother in his will, and I inherited his millions of inheritance that he inherited.
Lunch, anyone?


Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

He thinks he loves women, but he really loves money. His eyes are bigger than his wallet.

11:51 PM  
Blogger shorty said...

once again, you have done me great justice by the pen, ace

2:23 AM  
Blogger Face said...

Maybe he will be a Jewish Donald Trump.

6:03 AM  
Blogger SafeTinspector said...

As a maternal figure, you are now required to pester him about his clothing choices.

8:52 PM  
Blogger Face said...

By the way I was kidding about the shagging senseless part, as I am his surrogate mother, slash sexy aunty, and we both see it that way, I could not possibly overstep the bounds of his little pants.
Besides, the wee tyke would never survive the wrath of Jagd.

8:57 PM  
Blogger Face said...

Also, he is dead

8:58 PM  

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