Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The story of Melonchildey

Once upon a time, now, then and probably in the future:

1. I, Face, was a no-good layabout. I have had quite a few talents, and also special powers of metamorphosis, but not the inclination to use them. There seemed no point really.

Oh, I suppose quite a few Evil Super-Villains have threateed the Universe, Mediocrity, Pollution, God, The Devil, The President of America, all spring to mind, but I just never really cared enough. Also my talents and special powers didn't really lean in the direction of The Combat of Evil Super-Villains anyway.

2. My lover, Jaggy Knusto, was also a no-good layabout with special talents and powers which were laying dormant. He cut a monumentally tragic figure, handsome yet self - destructive. Think of James Dean.

Our apathy fueled itself, we fed off eachother. We were the un-excited.

Mostly we spent our time drinking.

So, this was all fine and good. We had built a life for ourselves of melancholic inactivity. Regularly we would fall into seperate gloomy holes of deep inky depression.
Sometimes when I got drunk I would become violent and accusatory. I would break it off with Jaggedy on a regular basis at these times, for being a drunk, a layobout, an asshole, and a serial flirter with women. In short, all the things I was myself. Upon waking up sober I would shed tears at the idea of being without him, and the cycle would begin again.

3. Enter a woman. I will call her The Laughing Fluff.
At some time in Joggo's shady past he and The Laughing Fluff had had relations of a sexual nature. Shortly thereafter she had taken off into outer-space, Never To Return Again.
Well, one fine day, she did return, bringing with her a child. This child she claimed was the direct result of her sexual relations with my Lordy Lord. I shall name the child: Melonchildey.

So, she introduces this child to us.

"Melonchildey, look, thats your daaaddy!" She laughs fluffily, pointing at Jiggidy.
"Oh, and, thats some chick your daddy knows." She adds, flicking her chin in my direction.

Jiggidy is inwardly rattled but outwardly calm. The Laughing Fluff notices that his eyes are filling with blood. (This seems to happen when he is perturbed.)

"Oh, don't worry," she says to him, "I don't want anything from you."

Three months later, we are picking Melonchidey up fom kindy every second day and watching her, pupils dilated, as she throws tantrums.

"I don't want you." she tells Jaggedy.
"Oh." he says. "Well..." and walks away.
"I want my mummy, I want my mummy, I want my mummy!" she yells. Somehow she has secreted a megaphone inside her small body cavity.
It is unfortunate for us all that we got to know Melonchildey just as she was reaching that first bermuda triangle of life, The Terrible Twos.
We have no experience with the parenting of anyone, let alone a crotchety stranger. She hates us.

So, now our lives have gone from being quite adequately depressing, to really bloody depressing indeed. This is choice to the max.

I can't wait to find out what will happen NEXT.

Please feel free to speculate, and offer advice, as you all see fit.


Blogger Jagd Kunst said...

Lets kill ourselves... no one cares boohoo.. Lo our predicament...

5:31 PM  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

You need a nanny of the Mary Poppins calibre. Otherwise, tell the toddler that the lion will eat her if she doesn't behave (works for baby apes).

11:24 PM  
Blogger Face said...

She already has a lion as an invisible friend, it turns out.
She controls weather who it eats aswell. The other day it took a bite out of my bum apparently.

12:20 AM  
Blogger Jagd Kunst said...

I told her once that the dinosaurs would eat her if she didn't behave...

12:58 PM  
Blogger Thérèse said...


You know, it must be said, however, that being a no-good layabout has its benefits. I would know. I currently am one.

6:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Invent an army of dragons. Tell her they have killed the lion.

5:58 AM  
Blogger Kieran said...

I find that terrifying children to almost the point of unconciousness results in prolonged silences. No I haven't actually, and my own sentence distrubs me sufficiently to wish to end it here.

7:54 AM  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Just as I thought! Kieran is prowling through the blogosphere like a hungry tiger.

8:04 AM  
Blogger Kieran said...

Oh Mr Bananas you're good. You've clearly mastered the art of tracking. Now smell my dried poo, I'm moving on...

3:41 PM  
Blogger Face said...

Thérèse - I am now so adept at laying about I should put on a bow-tie and call myself an expert. I reckon its an art form. I actually have a degree in it.

Swearing - "She swallowed a spider to catch the fly.." I couldn't kill off her pet lion, it'd break her little heart. heh heh heh.
See? I'm just not parent-of-someone-else's-child material.

Kieran - HEH heh heh heh. With your help, I'll be an evil step-mother yet

GB - I know. He disappears for ages and then siddenly you see him, peeking out from behind a big bush of html text, laughing at you. Then he wanders off, muttering christmas-cracker jokes to himself under his breath

6:07 PM  
Blogger Jagd Kunst said...

All these comments aren't really helping our predicament. I think I'll call my mum.

7:11 PM  
Blogger Jagd Kunst said...

UPDATE: She seems to have gone from last weeks impersonal mantra of "I want mummy" to the personal chant of "I don't want you daddy".

It's getting on my tits.

3:20 PM  

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