Sunday, August 05, 2007

The light or The Shitty Idea

The other night I had a strange dream in which a man I had never met before was seated in front of me eating. It turned out that one of the components of his meal, whether accidentally or on purpose, was glass. The glass was broken into several shards. Upon encountering this ingredient, he paused. He picked out a shard and studied it for a moment. He then proceeded to eat the shards as if they were peanuts. He had the air of one who believed his actions to be in some way leading him to an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records. I don't know how one would achieve that particular air in life, but this was a dream.
So anyway the man then began to choke and I had to call a dream ambulance.

Upon a sprightly morning some days later, I found myself taking a shit.
'Hmmm,' I thought to myself, 'this shit feels exactly how I would expect a shit to feel if I had recently eaten some glass shards.'
I finished my ejection with some screwing up of face and several large tears.
I then turned around to study the product in the bowl, and lo!
Turn me purple and cover me with hot sauce if I had not just pooed out a lightbulb.
But not just any lightbulb!
This was a lightbulb in the shape of..

The Baby Jesus!. It was the Baby Jesus, for sure, but not in a way I had seen him before. He had a nimbus of light around his tiny head, but that wasn't the oddest thing, or maybe it was.
The oddest thing was that this little glass boy had a set of tiny teeth as sharp as pins, and it was gnashing them.
'No wonder I cried' I thought.
Aloud I said 'Howdy!'
The small boy turned his eyes upon me.
They seemed to burn a hole right to my core.
'How many watts are you, anyway?' I thought, but I didn't say it.
The boy appeared to be trying to speak.
I leaned my ear a bit closer to the bowl, and this is what I heard:

"Don't be afraid." the small one said "For you have a shining purpose before you"
My heart skipped a little and I had to lean against the rim of the toilet for support.
"Yes?" I encouraged
"your destiny is.. it is a noble one."
"Oh yes" I sighed
"Honey," he said, I picked your asshole to come out of because you are gona be my publicist. That is your purpose in life, and it is deep, magestic and noble, as I've said. We are gona be quite a team! Don't worry, cos I'm gona make you rich! You'll see, they'll build castles all over the world with the two of our names on the front doors! People are gona sing your praise!"
I turned my head and looked at his little shining face.
"Hmmm" I shrugged. "I dunno, but it sounds kinda dumb to me. And besides, little darlin, its really all already been done before."
He sighed and glumly rolled over in the water. "yeah, I know." he said in a defeated tone. "But, the thing is, I'm totally running out of ideas."
I smiled sympathetically
"Aren't we all honey, aren't we all." I said.
At which point, I flushed.
And the sound it made was like "glorygloryhallelujah".


On a side note, Joggy said something nice to me the other night. He said I was like a barrel of laughs.
He also said, 'Why would I pay for the milk when I've already bought the whole cow?'


5 Comments:

Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

For a brief moment, your anus was God's vagina. Don't charge for the milk, but make it a gift for your worshipers only. My google reader tells me whenever you make a post.

2:33 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

What did he pay for the cow with? Magic beans, i assume...

3:31 PM  
Blogger Face said...

GB, I thought it was your innate ape sense that told you when I make a poost. So about every once a year you almost pee your wee gorilla pyjamas with great exitement then? A bit like christmas is it?

ben, don't be silly, everyone knows magic beans are worthless nowadays. Cows only accept real American dollars and cars and trips to Wales.

10:18 PM  
Blogger nadiac said...

.. just i'm going through they can't understand... some tried to tell me thoughts they cannot defend... just what you want to be, you will be in the end... and i love you.. yes I LOVE YOU OH HOW I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU OoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooH

nights in white satin, never reaching the end... letters i've written never meaning to send...
just what the truth is i can't say anymore coz i <3 u! yus i luv u! o how i luv uuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

4:20 PM  
Blogger Tim Molloy said...

LAUGH OUT LOUD!!

2:26 AM  

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