I have a tiredness so intense it's existential.
When I go to bed it is like falling into the arms of an old lover. There is nothing I want more, I am so grateful and satisfied, crawling back into the cocoon, the womb, I am contained and sheltered, I am hugged by a crush who has unexpectedly warm arms and a firm capable dependable body and who loves me and accepts me, un-endingly.
Every time I wake up and contemplate leaving, slipping even a foot out into the unfriendly cool air my soul screams no.
My dreams are more intense and addictive than reality.
I can make a landscape in my mind more powerful than any you will find on google maps or it's counterpart, and I can be anything there. I can create a lover better than any of you ever were, you fucking dicks.
If we could artificially make our brains perceive rewards, wouldn't we do so? What would be missing? The way the sunlight plays on a cobweb, the rainbow and prism effect when it shines through glass, the infinite shades of paradisaical luminous green when it shines through leaves?
I am an addict. Living in a ditch. Staring at the sky behind my eyes.
23/08/2018
