Tuesday, August 28, 2007


Tonight there is a lunar eclipse.
Right now the moon is settling down into darkness, like a little round milk buddha sitting in a black saucer.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Fashion Kills Me Pt. 2 (She sells seashells)

So I went to work for the Seashore Queen.
I dont think she liked me particularly, due to the fact that whenever I addressed her she would roll her eyes and sidle sideways out the door. Also she was preoccupied with the limpit she was cultivating. Mostly I was left alone with the Copper Princess.
People were surprised to find out that I had been admitted into the Sandcastle so easily.
"ooooooh," said the little girls, "how did you manage that? Isn't it scarey? You are very brave, Face."
"Whats the big deal?" I said, "They are just people. Will you be scared of me if I become The Current Queen of Fashion?"
They recoiled.
"yes" they whispered.

Well, my advice to them was to collect a gay or faux-gay son figure for their entourage. Yes, it seems difficult, but I can trust Eleven Sons to know the Queens of Fashion. (Not to mention the Scenesters and the Art Stars.) Eleven Sons HAS lost some cred I suppose due to the fact that he now has real sex with real girls. My son, my son, oh what happened to you, now you are just the same as all the others.

So anyway, It got to Friday at the castle de Seashore, which of course is the fashionable day for bitchy drinks. I wasn't invited, but knew one of the guests and was therefore allowed to hang about. The girl I knew was a model, and therefore highly beautiful and highly insecure. She spent the evening insecurascising at me. I spent the evening drinking.
About half way through, the gays arrived. In the door they rushed in a wave of immaculate hair and jaunty scarves. I happened to be standing by the drinks table as they tumbled in. One of them looked me up and down, noticing I was not wearing the correct clothes.
"Oh, hi." he said
"Hello." said I
There was an expectant pause and I realised he thought I was there to pour him a drink. I spread my hands.
"Help yourself." I said
"Oh, ookaay" he poured himself a drink.
"So..." he said "Are you going to the fashion party?"
"Which fashion party would that be?" I said. He looked down his nose at me.
"You know, THE fashion party" he said "At Billy P's " Billy P was the 'It' man of the moment, I vaguely knew.
"Oh, no, I didn't even know about it." I said. This was obviously the very wrong thing to say.
"Hmph!" he snorted, took one last corner of the eye scathing look at me, and turned on his heel.
I began to understand that I was hopelessly ill-equipped for the world of fashion.

A few weeks later I met the same bitchy gay at a party, he realised how great I was, and now we are the best of friends.
I will See-saw on the Seashore, it is only a matter of tides.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

The light or The Shitty Idea

The other night I had a strange dream in which a man I had never met before was seated in front of me eating. It turned out that one of the components of his meal, whether accidentally or on purpose, was glass. The glass was broken into several shards. Upon encountering this ingredient, he paused. He picked out a shard and studied it for a moment. He then proceeded to eat the shards as if they were peanuts. He had the air of one who believed his actions to be in some way leading him to an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records. I don't know how one would achieve that particular air in life, but this was a dream.
So anyway the man then began to choke and I had to call a dream ambulance.

Upon a sprightly morning some days later, I found myself taking a shit.
'Hmmm,' I thought to myself, 'this shit feels exactly how I would expect a shit to feel if I had recently eaten some glass shards.'
I finished my ejection with some screwing up of face and several large tears.
I then turned around to study the product in the bowl, and lo!
Turn me purple and cover me with hot sauce if I had not just pooed out a lightbulb.
But not just any lightbulb!
This was a lightbulb in the shape of..

The Baby Jesus!. It was the Baby Jesus, for sure, but not in a way I had seen him before. He had a nimbus of light around his tiny head, but that wasn't the oddest thing, or maybe it was.
The oddest thing was that this little glass boy had a set of tiny teeth as sharp as pins, and it was gnashing them.
'No wonder I cried' I thought.
Aloud I said 'Howdy!'
The small boy turned his eyes upon me.
They seemed to burn a hole right to my core.
'How many watts are you, anyway?' I thought, but I didn't say it.
The boy appeared to be trying to speak.
I leaned my ear a bit closer to the bowl, and this is what I heard:

"Don't be afraid." the small one said "For you have a shining purpose before you"
My heart skipped a little and I had to lean against the rim of the toilet for support.
"Yes?" I encouraged
"your destiny is.. it is a noble one."
"Oh yes" I sighed
"Honey," he said, I picked your asshole to come out of because you are gona be my publicist. That is your purpose in life, and it is deep, magestic and noble, as I've said. We are gona be quite a team! Don't worry, cos I'm gona make you rich! You'll see, they'll build castles all over the world with the two of our names on the front doors! People are gona sing your praise!"
I turned my head and looked at his little shining face.
"Hmmm" I shrugged. "I dunno, but it sounds kinda dumb to me. And besides, little darlin, its really all already been done before."
He sighed and glumly rolled over in the water. "yeah, I know." he said in a defeated tone. "But, the thing is, I'm totally running out of ideas."
I smiled sympathetically
"Aren't we all honey, aren't we all." I said.
At which point, I flushed.
And the sound it made was like "glorygloryhallelujah".

On a side note, Joggy said something nice to me the other night. He said I was like a barrel of laughs.
He also said, 'Why would I pay for the milk when I've already bought the whole cow?'