Sunday, May 14, 2006


This weekend we decided to push some rusty cobwebs from the atmosphere around our planet, and go offworld for a while exploring in the tin bucket we call a ship.

Having eaten a meal of delicious fermented marmite I was quite drunk and almost smashed into several stars, belatedly noticing that they were in fact light-years away.

What we found after a few months of exploring uncharted territory and of Kunst rattling on about something or other to do with Nostrodamus, was a new planet.

The planet, Kunst soon realised was not at all new, he had had dealings there when he was but a worm-fish sprat, but rather it was changed beyond all recognition.

It was called, "Lesbianarama".

Or that was what the sign said on the way in. 'Lesbianarama, No turning back.'
We peered at each-other in trepidation.

On setting foot on the crusty surface we noticed what at first appeared to be a large party of drunken teenage boys.
"Roaaaaaar!' they said on sighting us, and we were not a little afraid.
It seemed however that their intentions were more peaceful than we at first assumed, though not at all gentle.
They swarmed upon us and shook us heartily by our hands, as though they had noticed our inside organs were inconvenient to our progress through life, and were trying to rid us of them by virtue of a good jiggle.
"Bro! You came all this way to see US? Awesome!" they shouted, obviously trying to find an echo in the caves of our ears.
"Sit DOWN!" And they picked us both up bodily and dumped us on the hard ground.

The planet was cold, and the group of teenage boys were sitting gathered around a campfire. They toasted their fingers as they sang melodiously, "Oi, Oi, Oi!".
That they had extremely large bollocks was apparent by the way they sat with their legs spread far apart. I thought to myself that it must be very inconvenient to have testicles so large that you had to take up more than five times the width of your body just to be comfortable.
We had been invited to stay for dinner. Kunst and I gave them an offering we had bought with us of local edible delicacies of our land.

Ten hours passed and I began to become famished, having only eaten a breakfast of fermented marmite in the last few months. There was no sign of the food we had bought with us, one of the gruff little dudes had secreted it somewhere hours earlier.
"When's dinner?" I finally asked.
"Oh, yeah, right" said one, remebering, and he went off to catch an animal.
A while later he came back with a strange furry stoat-like animal slung around his neck.
I was rather impressed until he said: "I'll have to get you to skin and gut this, baby-doll, I don't do that sorta stuff." Well, alright. I got stuck in. I was really hungry.

As I was ripping shreds off the animal, I accidentaly broke the ceramic saucer they had given me to drink water out of. Obviously you only get one chance in this town, for my apologies and pleas for another drinking vessel fell on deaf ears.

It was when we were finally eating boiled stoat that I noticed something strange: these boys had breasts. The more I looked the more surprised I was at not having noticed earlier, there they really were, big bulbous bazoongas. One of them caught me looking and winked.

Well, and then I understood.
"Oh," I thought "Lesbianarama".

But these creatures were like no lesbians I have ever met before.
As the night wore on they alternately had cuddling fests, clothed, semi-clothed and wholly nude, and vicious fights. They apparently were all sleeping with eachother, causing a crazy mish-mashed bubble-and-squeek of emotions to surface at different times.
It was strangely like being present at an orgy of rugby-loving alpha males with upper class bitchy girl-school alter egos.
"Fuck you, you stinking bitch!" one would scream, and then in the same breath "Ah, just jokes ya know mate, I'm just playin with ya, windin yaer up ya know, give us a hug." And the cycle of orgy-fight would begin again.

Well, things were getting pretty rough when me and peanut Kunst decided it was time to go.
The group was in various states of undress, and had begun to fight in earnest. I noticed one casualty whose midriff had been gouged with blunt fingernails, desperately trying to stop her lower intestine from spilling out onto her lap.
Without announcing our departure, we made a quiet run for it.
"Now!" I whispered, and we ducked into the surrounding foliage, chunks of scalp and teeth whizzing past our ears.

Once safely back in the ship, I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness we never have to go back there again!" I said.
"Oh," said Kunst "But we'll see them again quite soon. I invited them over to our planet for dinner next weekend."
I cant say I was surprised. Kunst likes a good bit of drama.

As we were leaving I noticed from the pilot's window that the lesbians had rected a large effigy in my honour, consisting of items of my clothing, the food we had donated to them, and my broken ceramic saucer. These items were all stacked on a large dias, and surrounded by slavegirls.

I dont know what it all means, but I suppose I will find out next week.


Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

They must have been shemales rather than lesbians. The slavegirls sounded better.

12:05 AM  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Shemales are called nudders round my way. As in 'neither one way nor the other', which when spoken in a Dublin parlance becomes nidderwunwaynornudder, hence nudders. It is really very simple.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Face said...

GB, I suppose they were shemales AND lesbians, but it was strange because some were more male in aspect and behaviour and others were more female. I suppose you dont get many lesbians in gorilla society?

FMC, that makes sense, there was alot of talk about being in the nudders, and the rate at which they would remove their clothes that night.

6:08 PM  
Blogger Lady Maladroit said...

In hunger you most certainly drool pendulums of sinusoids and wounded mosques.

12:34 AM  

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